The day I’ve been anticipating for such a long time because Michael is coming tomorrow! Why then, am I depressed you may ask? Well I should be so excited, carefree, and anxious for some fun. But I feel really down. I’m both depressed and anticipating. It started out good enough with a 7:00 a.m. phone call from boyfriend. I could hardly believe it.

Depressed and Anticipating

It was good to talk to him, but it actually bummed me out. He seemed depressed to talk to me too, and everything was the same as usual. We talked about his (golf) game, situation, finances, possible hopeful trip to Europe in June…

It was alright, but so limiting just to talk and not be with the one you love. After our convo, I went back to lay in bed and think of him. And after I finished my book, slept till the phone rang again at 11:40 a.m.

If it were not for the phone being moved, I may have thought I dreamt boyfriend’s call.

This time it was Michael, just in from Portugal and packing for tomorrow. I got up and started the five hour wash process for two loads. Unbelievable. I vacuumed, cleaned, packed…

I’m feeling depressed and yet in anticipation of my friend arriving tomorrow, for our Easter week Castle Hopping in Slovakia trip

Crying and Shopping

Walked up to Tesco, but it was closed. Probably due to the fact – which I found out after missing Calenetics and going back to Internet Klub – that the time was changed today, or yesterday. It goes forward one week earlier than in USA. Luckily I found out, since I have to teach tomorrow.

I guess why I’m so depressed and why I practically cried all the way home is due to boyfriend’s email. He wrote about Shanghai, and also asked about it. He said it’s a long time to be apart for one year. And that two months is wearing on him. Well what kind of a statement is that? Especially to the one you love. You could put it differently. Especially to tell someone who is all alone already by herself in a foreign country, feeling lonely, sad, and depressed already. And with no one to talk to. It made me feel so sad and unwanted. I was crying on the street.

Since Tesco was closed, I stopped in the Bageteria and got juice and $2 Kolače Movinky (poppyseed Kolache). No-one makes them like Grandma. Oh and I have stale, smelly towels after washing, since there is no dryer. I’m a wreck. I did happen to spot a (running) track out my window – now that the snow has melted- where I will run. Today however all my clothes were in the wash.

Couples Kissing Everywhere! Depressing

The week (up to now) was good. It turned to Spring! On Tuesday people started leaving their coats unbuttoned, and women wore skirts for the first time. Water is flowing down the town stream. Nights are clear and pleasant. I put away my mittens and headband. I feel so lonely here in this room right now. I could cry.

The maddening thing is all the damn couples kissing everywhere. I don’t know where they came from, but they’re really bugging me. It’s so annoying. I am so excellent in every way and I have so much difficulty in my supposed relationships. What is the deal? Maybe I’ll just be single forever. I don’t mind one way or the other; I just don’t want to be in a stalemate until I’m 40.

Musings about my Future

And if I do move home (back to San Diego), what will I do? Boyfriend has been negative – realistic about my new venture career. This week I decided to go for translating in German. I got the idea while on the net (internet), and the next day I bought several German language books and some Slovak books. I decided to go for it! I can improve on my own and with Luise, (speaking German) etc. for a year. Then I checked out programs. USD (University of San Diego) has prep for the (translation) certificate I would need. The question being, could I get work? Boyfriend seems to think not, but he isn’t considering texts, scientific materials, business translations. I think there would be.

 

This is an excerpt from my Košice Journal, documenting my exodus from a (relatively happy) bustling life in beautiful San Diego, to (voluntarily) take a post teaching English in the newly independent eastern capital of Slovakia  during a very cold winter 1999.