This morning I’ve been thinking about my current worries, and why I left it all behind. I’m trying to figure it all out. Taking my life inventory. Mom was right, I really am having a Life Inventory.

One: I needed to get out of my rut. I was in a standstill with my whole life situation. In a job that was good for pay, hours, flexibility, and camaraderie; but was not challenging or fulfilling. Definitely I need to make more money if I stay in the states and don’t want to scrounge.

Two: I was in a stalemate relationship. We love each other, but have no plans for the future together.

Three: Elderberry (Creations) was an addiction for me- to work and outlet my creativity and energy, but without any monetary rewards or any real fulfillment.

My Life Inventory

If I had stayed, I’d be in the same situation all three ways around. The relationship would stay the same, come to a blowout, or drift away and cause hard feelings or resentment due to pressure on boyfriend to make a commitment he didn’t want to make. Or it would result with me resolving myself to living in mediocrity, feeling held back and unfulfilled, as far as doing adventures I want to do.

If I can’t have somebody who wants to explore the world 🌍 with me (which would be great!) then I’ll just have to do it myself for now.

Nordstrom would still be my crutch (as dad calls it) and savior, working there until I decided to move to another full time (9-5?) or retail, or what? job. And I’d still be living paycheck to paycheck, as I’ve done the past 15 years (all my working life). Meanwhile I’d still be trying to pay 💰 off debts and bills.

If I had stayed, I’d be busting my butt, spending money 💵 on advertising and designing the candle line. I’d be working every spare moment, trying and hoping to make the leap ahead. Time working would take away from quality time with boyfriend, friends, and family. And I’d be getting minimal monetary compensation, if any. All in all, spinning my wheels for Naught.

Trying to Get Ahead

Which is what I’ve been doing the past three years. The first two with boyfriend and Elderberry were good (not that the others weren’t good). They felt productive and like we were moving ahead, making gains, conquering new territory and breaking new ground.

But then it all leveled off, and I kept on spinning my wheels. I kept trying harder to no avail. I kept working longer and harder to no avail. I kept working longer and harder and neglecting my relationship with boyfriend as I worked more and neglected, even sacrificed my own health and body, neglecting my running and eating program. Boyfriend was also working long and hard on his golf game- trying to get and keep ahead of his bills and debt.

Breaking with the Past

So now here I am, sitting at my new kitchen table, in an apartment twice the size of the one (in Hillcrest) I left to Bridgette. Now paying $415 a month, for some 1,000-odd kilometers from Siberia. And feeling, well better now,  knowing I’m better off leaving all those things as they were, behind.

Although that’s what I needed to do, it’s not so much being here and doing this teaching low-pay thing. It’s more about breaking with the past and not doing what I was doing then. I needed to get away and clear my mind. Have a clean slate. That’s sad too. I feel awfully sad about breaking with the past (and chocolate 🍫 doesn’t even help hold back the tears) even though it was not so good for me. It wasn’t bad for me. It’s just that I wasn’t improving like I want to.

Why’d I have to come all the way to Slovakia just to break with the past? “I’m a real eccentric one, now aren’t I Cheri?”

I miss boyfriend, I miss my family. Nordstrom and my colleagues there. Elderberry. I miss running at the bay, I miss my apartment. I miss San Diego scenery. I miss the American people. Going to get a movie at Wherehouse. I miss Uptown. I miss Starbucks. I miss my brothers dinners and homemade tortellini. I miss moms hugs. I miss getting gas in my car. I miss my apartment. I miss being busy. I miss answering the phone at work. I miss being at the front desk (at work). I even miss selling (at Nordstrom). I miss talking to people.

I think I have been fine while visiting friends (in Austria 🇦🇹 and Germany) and having fun, distracting myself. Now that I’ve been here (in Slovakia) alone and by myself for a couple days, and face tomorrow alone too, I feel lonely. The tv 📺 has been a great distraction and substitute for companionship. Even with just Czech and Slovak channels, I’ve been watching it. It feels good to see American shows and people, and to hear them in between voice-overs. I must be going absolutely mad, by the way. I always prided myself on not having a tv at home. Now I feel I need it to help me cope. (How British.)

Well my box 📦 of books 📚 I shipped over after Christmas has arrived. So I’ll be able to try and absorb myself in reading next week.

My Current Worries

What worries do I have left? Well the (Slovak) apartment is just fine, actually it’s wonderful- I feel really comfortable and good being here. Close to the tram stop, there usually are a lot of people around. It should be okay even coming home in the evening.

I don’t think I’ll be going out on the town much at night. The other teachers are pretty much better left on their own. Kind of geeky, greasy haired, weird-ish, and talk about mumbling and mispronunciation. Boy! Will I ever be appreciated. Probably all the students will want me. The other teachers seem lacking in energy and enthusiasm. Although the Slovak assistants are great!

But the teachers, Ugh. I think I’ll be sticking to myself. That means reading; writing ✍️, and e-mailing to keep in touch. (I have to move on to articles and think of my new career!!) And checking out as much of the town as I can. I already know more of the churches than people who have been here nine months. (I know seven of them, and they only know one!)

 

This is an excerpt from my Košice Journal, documenting my exodus from a (relatively happy) bustling life in beautiful San Diego, to (voluntarily) take a post teaching English in the newly independent eastern capital of Slovakia  during a very cold winter 1999.